DawgTalkers.net Forums DawgTalk Tailgate Forum TGIF Joke Thread

It's Friday and everyone should already be in a great mood since the weekend is upon us. I thought if you weren't in a good mood already how about a few jokes to make everyone smile. I'll start it off:

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says,
"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?" :rimshot:

happy hour is so very far away

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'


The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'
The blonde said, 'No, just up to my b.....bs.
I can splash it on my face.

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...

A Christams Story

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old m an with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and rememb er.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

An 8 pointer, 4 pointer and a button buck are standing by a field browsing on acorns.

8 pointer says, 'I'm happy with my 10 does,
we're really getting along.

4 pointer says, 'I'm happy as heck with my
5, they really take care of me!'

Button buck says, 'My two are alright, better
than nothing I guess.'

Then all of a sudden a GIANT 25 point non-typical
buck walks out into the field. The three bucks had never
seen anything like him before, they were in awe. The big
buck made a huge scrape and peed in it, rubbed a phone
pole and snapped it off at the ground! The three bucks
looked on in amazement.

8 pointer says, 'I could probably get by with 4
does... Who really needs 10 anyways?

4 pointer says, 'You know...come to think of
it, I could only really use one or two of mine!'

The button buck was silent; the other two bucks look over to him in confusion. Suddenly the yearling runsout into the middle of the field! He rips and tears up some grass... pees all over the place, snorts & weezes,
rubs his head raw on a tree and chews a lickin branch clean
off! Then he runs back over to his two buddies. His friends
immediately jump him, 'What the hell are you doing!?'

'I'm just makin' sure that big sumgun
knows I'm a buck!'


nordawg

OMG Pit,, that's a wonderful and as it turns out,, very seasonal story./.

Thanks for making my day

An old man walks into his local pharmacy on a Friday and goes to the counter. He says to the pharmicist, "I'd like to purchace three Viagra."

The pharmicist, knowing the man is in his late 70s says, "Why would you need three pills?"

The old man replies, "My ex-girlfriend is coming into town tonight. My ex-wife will be here Saturday, and I have a date with my new girlfriend on Sunday."

The pharmicist, who was very impressed, says, "Ok, but I want you to come in Monday so I can check your blood pressure. I don't want you having any complications", and gives the man his Viagra.


Monday morning comes and the old man shows back up at the pharmacy with his arm in a sling.

The pharmicist takes one look at him and asks, "What happened to you?"

The old man replies------


"No one showed up."

3 old men are getting ready to tee off on the last day before the course closes.

the first one says, as he pulls his cap tight, "windy innit?"

second old man says, "no, you idiot! it's thursday!"

the third says "hell yes i'm thirsty. let's go get a beer!"

What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
spot

A Russian, an American and a Blonde were arguing over who was the best in space.

The Russian said "We were the first in space so we're the best."

The American said "We were the first to walk on the moon so we're the best."

The Blonde says "Oh yeah, well we're going to be the first to walk on the sun."

The Russian and American, looking confused said "You can't walk on the sun. It's too hot."

So the Blonde says "Whaddaya think we're stupid? We're going at night."


In your best Rodney voice - My sex life. Ooohhh, my sex life. It's like playing pool with a rope!
(God bless ya Rodney)

This latter day Indian chief was asked by his tribesmen if it was going to be a mild or a cold winter. He looks up to the sky, but not being trained in the old ways he could not tell what sort of winter they were in store for so he tells his subjects that it will in deed be cold and that they should go gather firewood.

The next morning the chief calls up the national weather service and asks the meteorologist if it's going to be a mild of a cold winter. The meteorologist tells him that they think it's going to be a cold winter.

The chief tells his tribesmen again that it's going to be a cold winter and that they should gather more firewood.

The next morning the chief again calls the national weather service and asks if it's going to be cold or if it's going to be a severe winter. The meteorologist says that they think it's going to be a bitterly cold winter.

Again the chief gathers his tribesmen and tells them that it's going to be a severe winter and that they should gather every scrap of firewood that they can find.

Again, the next morning the chief calls up the national weather service and asks "How can you be so sure that this winter is going to be so severe?" To which the meteorologist says "Well, the Indians are out gathering firewood like crazy!".

Sad part is that this is the only lumber the Tribe has to this day (and they still need more pitching!)

j/c

I read this on the board a couple years ago. If I could remember the poster, I'd gladly (and humbly) give credit:



A skeleton walks into a bar, and says to the bartender,
"Hey, bartender- gimmee a beer.... and a mop."

::rimshot::