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Its been kind of a heavy week. Anybody got some new jokes?

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029



Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.



Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.



85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise are the keys to weight loss.


Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.



Abortion clinics now available in every
High School in United States

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.


IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

I Love This Country!

It's The Government That Scares Me!




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Quote:

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Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

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Several years after the passing of his dear wife an the older guy decides he needs to live a little, so he goes to a nudist colony. After he checks in he's walking along the beach. He sees an attractive young girl walking his way and he gets an erection.

The young girl says, "Is that for me? Because around here, that's a sign of invitation." and she pulls him into the bushes and they make love.

Later that day the guy is in the sauna and he farts. A big burly man stands up and says, "Is that for me? Around here, that's an invitation." and he proceeds to have his way with the man.

The guy packs his stuff and goes to the front desk and says, "I'm out of here," and he tosses the young lady his key. She says, "But you just joined, is there something we can do?" And he replies, "Honey, I'm 64 years old. I get an erection about once a month, but I fart about every 15 minutes."

Yep thats the last time I every went to that nudest colony

and i've thought about you every day since.

Hilarious!

An elderly man walks into the doctors office for his annual exam
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man:
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical
concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I
have sex am usually cold and
chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any
medical concerns that you would like to discuss with
me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or
concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex
with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time.
Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in January
and the second time is in August."

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes:

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'


The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!



The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove
up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the
still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights
out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today
is my first day driving a cab......... ......... .
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'