DawgTalkers.net Forums DawgTalk Tailgate Forum Friday Joke Thread

Heres mine,

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers
(hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept
records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was
replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached
them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from
distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and
fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to
investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run
for cover. To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and
he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was
a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to
win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at
sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying
attention.


Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.

I'm not an Ohio State fan but this can be applied to just about any school...

Bubba had been going to the University of Michigan for 11 years and just
couldn't graduate.

One day, the dean of students calls Bubba in to his office and says, "Bubba,
we're going to give you the opportunity to graduate. In a month, at half
time of the homecoming football game, we are going to bring you out on the
field and ask you one question. If you get it right, you get your degree.
If you get it wrong, you have to go home without it and not come back."

Bubba agreed to this and ran off to start studying. He studied night and day
for a month. Finally the day came.

It was a special day with homecoming and Bubba's shindig. The whole stadium
was packed with U of M students and alumni, all waiting to see how Bubba
would do.

The dean stepped up and said, "Bubba, are you ready for your question?"
Bubba said he was. The dean said, "Bubba, what is 3 x 3?"

Bubba thought about it for about ten minutes and then finally stepped up to
the microphone and said, "9?"

Before the dean could respond, thousands of the Michigan students and alumni
jumped to their feet and yelled, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!!!"

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
The Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
It under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
She reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
Open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
Line is backing up, putting the entire production line
Behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
Himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
Are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
Really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
Of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece Of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
Carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
Together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
Yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

nordawg

oldie but goodie


10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

1. Two antennas met on a roof,
Fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much,
But the reception was excellent.



2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says,
"I'll serve you,
But don't start anything."



3. Two peanuts walk into a bar,
And one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar
With a slab of asphalt under his arm,
And says:
"A beer please,
And one for the road."


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"


7. "Doc, I can't stop singing
'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
" That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"... Well, It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing
Next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially Inseminated
This morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries
An invisible woman.
The kids were nothing
To look at either.


10. Deja-Moo:
The feeling that you've heard
This bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage
Trouser s the other day,
But I couldn't find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital
After a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor,doctor,
I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,
"I know you can't
I've cut off your arms!"


13. I went to a seafood disco
Last week...and pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish
With no eyes?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other
And says,"Dam!"


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak
Were chilly, so they lit a fire
In the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank,
Proving once again
That you can't have your kayak
And heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts
Checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby
Discussing their recent
Tournament victories.
After about an hour,
The manager came out of the office,
And asked them to dispe rse.
"But why," they asked,
As they moved off.
"Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess-nuts
Boasting in an open foyer."


18. A woman has twins,
And gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt,
And is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family
In Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture
Of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture,
She tells her husband
That she wishes she
Also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
You've seen Ahmal."


(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know,
Walked barefoot most of the time,
Which produced an impressive set
Of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little,
Which made him rather frail
And with his odd diet,
He suffered from bad breath...
This made him
A super-calloused fragile mystic
Hexed by halitosis.


20. And finally,
There was the person
Who sent twenty different puns
To his friends,
With the hope that at least
Ten of the puns
Would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!

DUDE you need to take some lessons from doink