Thought I'd go w/ "Everything Else" for this. That way nobody cares if it gets hijacked and turned into a Sashi Brown conversation or something.

from the Wall Street Journal . . .

The Cleveland Browns Need A Coach. How About You ?

A historically forlorn franchise has talent—but is seeking consistency on its sideline

By Jason Gay
Jan. 9, 2020 11:12 am ET

My friends: I hate to say it, but one of us is going to have to coach the Cleveland Browns. I mean it. The music is about to stop on the NFL’s annual coaching rearrangement, and all the rickety chairs have been filled—except for the one in Cleveland. It’s still open.

I think it should be you.

Stop. Don’t give me that look, like I’ve just asked you to clean the gutters, mop the basement, and go on a weekend office retreat with the boss. Come on. This isn’t that.

It isn’t the worst job. Really. There’s a solid foundation in Cleveland. They’ve got a bunch of roster talent, and, of course, they have some of the best, most loyal fans in football—you don’t need me to sell you on the fans.

They just have a problem hiring coaches. It’s a comical history of turnover. You know that restaurant space in your neighborhood that never seems to work? One year, it’s a wood-fired pizza place; the next year, it’s a crab shack; then it does pita sandwiches; then it tries tiny, tiny cupcakes; then it’s a lousy bagel joint where the bagels aren’t chewy enough; then it turns into a lousy bagel joint that is also a supply store for people who breed exotic turtles?

That’s the job of Browns head coach.

Do you know who the longest serving Browns head coach of the last 30 years is?

That’s right:

The Grumpy Lobster Boat Captain, Bill Belichick. Five seasons, 1991 to 1995. Not sure what he’s been up to since.

Post-Grumpy Captain, it’s been a spinning turnstile: a contentious franchise departure to Baltimore, then a relaunch in 1999 with Chris Palmer, who was succeeded by Butch Davis, Terry Robiskie, Romeo Crennel, Eric Mangini, Pat Shurmur, Rob Chudzinski, Joe Pesci, Mike Pettine, Hue Jackson, Celine Dion, Gregg Williams and Freddie Kitchens.

OK, fine, Joe Pesci and Celine Dion haven’t been the Browns head coach. Would it have made any difference?

This past season was a disappointing one for the Browns. I didn’t actually type that out; This past season was a disappointing one for the Browns is a permanent smart key on my computer.

The 2019 Cleveland Browns were hyped as a young team on the rise, ready to write a bold, upbeat new chapter of team history. Despite the fact that they went 7-8-1 the prior year, and haven’t had a .500 season since George W. Bush’s second term, and had a rookie head coach and a second-year quarterback, the Browns were media and Vegas sportsbook darlings—the WeWork of Super Bowl picks.

This is the part where I tell you Cleveland went 6-10 in 2019.

Did you pick the Browns to win the Super Bowl this year? Go run 10 times around the block right now. I’ll wait.

So Freddie’s out, and there’s an opening. Everyone else has made their bed. Jerry Jones has hopped in the Cowboys helicopter with former Packers coach Mike McCarthy. Dan Snyder’s Washington Sadness Machine seduced ex-Panthers coach Ron Rivera, good luck to him. Carolina, which is now owned by a hedge-fund manager, gave a seven-year deal worth as much as $70 million to Baylor’s smock-wearing Matt Rhule, who had the great fortune of being this offseason’s designated “hot college coach.” After Rhule made it official with Carolina, the New York Giants acted like a parent running into Toys ‘R Us at 11:45 p.m. on Christmas Eve, and grabbed Joe Judge, a little-known Belichick assistant, off the shelf.

That leaves Cleveland, which is taking its time. There are the moonshot suggestions, like Urban Meyer, the former coach of the Bowling Green Falcons. Also out there is Belichick attaché Josh McDaniels, Kansas City’s Eric Bienemy, Minnesota’s Kevin Stefanski, and Buffalo’s Brian Daboll and Leslie Frazier.

There’s also Skippy “Boots” Abercrombie, New England’s executive assistant coach for punting quality control.

OK, there’s no such person as Skippy “Boots” Abercrombie. I just want to see if the Browns will try to hire him.

There’s also you. Before you rule yourself out, consider the upsides. They’re probably going to throw a good deal of money at you—maybe not Matt Rhule money, but enough to upgrade from economy to comfort plus and stop ordering the cheapest bottle of wine. Your team isn’t a total rebuild. You have a potential franchise quarterback in Baker Mayfield. I say “potential” because sometimes Mayfield carries himself like an elite level quarterback, and then sometimes he carries himself like a guy waiting in line to buy bison jerky at a gas station.

But I believe in Baker. And I believe in you. There’s a chance to do great things. Even mediocre things will suffice for a while. The bar is low. Even if you have no idea what you’re doing, remember: this only puts you slightly behind everyone else who has held this job for the past two decades.

Win in Cleveland, and you’ll be a legend forever. Trust me: Babies, streets and household pets will be named in your honor. Look at LeBron James. He won a title in Cleveland, and then a couple of seasons later. he was like, Hey, I’m going to bounce to Los Angeles and this franchise is going to go back to rubble and a grateful city was like, OK. Sounds great, LeBron! Have fun in California!

Winning with the Browns would be bigger. In its heart, Cleveland is a football town.

I have a gut feeling you’re ready for the job.

It’s down to you—and Skippy Boots.