DawgTalkers.net Forums DawgTalk Everything Else... Me & children

I'm not crazy about children the way many are. I love my nephew's young daughters when they visit, I can tolerate children of my friends and I want them to excel and be good people, but after a couple of hours I'm thinking 'they're starting to bug me'.
Get on my nerves, they do.

Me and the wife don't have any (and we won't), neither of us have ever had any real desire to.
It's my problem, not the kids, and sometimes, from the older ones, say 7-9 years old, they can sense it, at least it feels that way to me.

It is a sign of selfishness - on some level, it has to be.
Any tips on what I could to to be more natural around kids, or is this just how I'm wired?

I guess I'm just looking for some perspective from a lot of different people.
Thoughts?

I'm single and don't have any kids, though I've been in a serious relationship ... and at the moment I'm stuck between feeling the pressure to have some, and not really wanting any.

I'd say I share the exact same thoughts.

here are my thoughts. I'm the mom to special needs autistic children, and a son adopted from Guatemala. Kids take a ton of unconditional love, commitment and energy. If you are not certain you can unconditionally commit to kids, it's best that you don't have them. You are not being selfish, you are being honest if you feel you aren't there.

I don't like kids....but for some reason they love me. At family functions they will literally run up to me and attach to my legs...one instance I'm in a drs office waiting for an appt. This kid...probably 4 or 5...he just climbs up on my lap and starts showing me his picture book....his mother was on the phone, distracted, then sees what's happening and comes running over and grabs him....she was super embarrassed, and explains to me that the kid had never done anything like that before...

just the other day at dairy mart, some little kids come running up to me asking me to buy them this and buy them that. Their mother yelled at them to leave me alone and apologized..

idk what it is...but little kids just gravitate to me.....

Don't try to be anything.

See the world through their eyes and be like them... Whether they're two or fifteen. It might mean crawling around on the floor, it might mean listening to some dumb pop song or watching a lame youtube video. Once you get past expectations, you'll enjoy your time together. And as long as you're cool with them and treat them more like a friend or equal, they'll actually have more respect for boundaries and not do things to try to get on your nerves. I'm everyone's favorite uncle and I don't really try and it's actually therapeutic for me to "be a kid again".

Don’t have kids. Never had much desire to have them. I helped raise a nephew while my sister was in nursing school. Hard work. Taught me first hand it wasn’t for me. I love being an uncle and a surrogate uncle to my friends kids. That’s close enough for me. I live a full and happy life without children. I’ve found an amazing woman to spend my life with that feels the same way about parenting.
Through my late 20’s and all through my 30’s I felt a lot of societal pressure. I was asked a lot if I had kids...or when was I going to have kids?. When told I don’t have nor want children I was often told, “you’ll change your mind when you get older.”
Well I’m 46. I got snipped 2 years ago. Best decision I ever made. Wish I had done it sooner.

It’s not for everyone. Do what comes natural. Not what the world around you is telling you to do. Kids or no kids.

A tale... I have friends that had kids. Waited til they older. Both educated and professional. He owns his own business. They had kids out of ‘family obligation’. They’ve been really honest with me, they don’t like parenting. They love their kids but the day to day isn’t fun. Generally they’re not enjoying it. Now, they go and do fun things..,the zoo, the Christmas lights tours, camping, etc...it’s just all of it in total is not ‘enjoyable’. It’s a chore.
Think what you will about what I just wrote. They’re good parents, loving parents. Very good people. Just brutally honest with me.

So again. Do what comes natural. You can’t half arse it. You can’t trial run it. It’s all or nothing.
Good luck.

My advice is to treat them like "real people," as another poster might say. LOL

But seriously, just talk to them normally. Don't try and talk down to them or change your tone of voice. Be as natural as you can be.

One other thing, kids love to laugh and they especially love corny stuff. If you have a sense of humor, they'll love you for it.

Just be real w/them, bro.

lamp above:



Pretty much ditto FATE.

Don't do forced things that make you uncomfortable.

Undoubtedly your family and friends with small kids want you to be comfortable.

I pretty much have nothing to do with kids after "hello" unless they really impress me.

I'm just the opposite. I love kids but they don't like me. My wife says its because I'm big and look mean. My neighbor has 3 little girls and they come over to see my wife. If I walk into the room they get a look like OH OH.. I always smile and say Hi girls but it does no good.....They do like it when I make them stuff in the shop....Little gold diggers.

I've not had that "problem" - if that's what you want to call it. (myself, I wouldn't call it a problem. I'd call it knowing yourself)

I like kids, kids like me. And if anyone reads anything perverted into that, it's on them. Not me.

For whatever reason, kids and I just get along. And I'm talking kids from age 3 or so, on up. I'm even talking about my daughters friends - male or female.

Wife has even said many, many times "What is it about you that kids like so much?"

I have a set of twins, boy and girl 13, I love being a parent. It is my favorite thing in the world. Yes, it takes a lot of work, but for me it is the best. Experiencing things with them is like reliving my childhood. When My son and I went to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens, it was so great watching his reaction to the movie. So, for me, parenting is the best part of my life.

That being said, I NEVER ask people when they are going to have kids. To me, it is a personal decision, and I actually don't consider it selfish when someone says they don't want kids, I consider it being honest. Just because something is for me, doesn't mean it's for everyone and I respect that. Not only do I respect people for being honest about not having kids, I think it's great they don't have them.
Ton many couples have kids to 'save the relationship' and that is a huge mistake. It just brings a child into a dying relationship.

Also, there are many reasons people don't have kids, and I don't know everyone's situation. Some people choose not to have them (which is OK), and some people have that choice made for them (for whatever reason), so I just let that be.

Back to the original question about relating to them, just treat them like normal people and you'll be amazed how they respond.

It's just like dogs, they can smell fear. That is to say they know you're out of your element, even if they can't quite articulate it.



It's just how you're wired. I'm walking that same walk, no kids, no desire. It is who I am, and I'm good with it. Is it selfish? Ehh, if it is, embrace it. Just remember, this way, all the toys are yours!

I have never wanted kids, but generally was OK with them. My favorite saying used to be "I love kids, as long as they're someone else's, and they so home.

As I have ..... er ..... seasoned .....I have found that I really enjoy kids. I still wouldn't want any of my own, but I do enjoy them more than I ever thought I would. I have a great time when I go to the grocery store, and such, now being old enough to say hi to all the kids, without being creepy. It's great when a kid will all of a sudden break into a screaming rant, and I ask them if it's really all that bad. I asked one kid that, and he stopped for a second, thought about it, and said "No".

I also find that it's a nice excuse to say hello to people.

Anyway, I do truly mean it now when I say that I love kids. I also do mean that it's a great thing that they go home.

As some have said, it's just how you're wired. Children simply aren't for everyone. I'm actually glad my daughter was born when I was young. I had the energy and enough desire to raise children then. My youngest grandchild is now 14 and will be 15 soon. I very much enjoyed spending time with them as they grew up.

But I'll be 60 this fall and at this point in my life I don't know that the experience would be the same. It's not that I dislike children now but the interest in them has waned. Babies are cute, for a little while. lol Small children are interesting, if they're relatives. lol For a little while. lol

It's just a part of who you are and that's okay.

I've never wanted kids. Maybe I'm too selfish with my time and energy, but I never wanted to put that towards kids. I loved having a career and time to myself.

I'm ok with other people's kids I guess. I would be totally open to dating someone who has kids. I just don't want to make any.

I also never dated anyone that I would want to have kids with.
I think that is probably a large part of the equation.

I feel that the only reason to get married is to have kids, and I never met anyone I wanted to marry.

Also, I find the idea of being pregnant and birth quite repulsive. People say it's beautiful, but I find it horrifying. I wouldn't want to put myself through that.

You men have it so easy.

That proves we’re not being selfish. I never wanted to put a woman through that. We men can be so thoughtful.

I guess the irony could be that I'm around kids all the time.

There are thousands on my games, and at times I have to play surrogate parent to them when they behave badly.

I love the kids on my games.
I love joking around with them and having fun with them.

But, at the end of the day they go home to real parents, and not me, and I prefer it that way.

If I don't want to deal with them, I just turn off the internet.
Can't really do that with real kids in your house.

I didn't like or want kids until I had my own. Then I loved them and wanted them around as much as possible.

Now that they are grown I don't like being around kids all that much. None of my 3 children have children, but I suspect that if or when they do, I'll be a very happy Grandpa.

You can turn off the internet?

The grandpa thing is wonderful! You can spoil them, fill them with candy and then send them home. lol

To me the hardest thing about being a parent was discipline. As a parent it's your duty to prepare your children for the real world.

As a grandparent that isn't your job. You get to have all of the fun with none of the responsibility except to keep them safe in your care.

I mostly agree, but I would still feel obligated to teach them lessons, but that's just me.

My grandparents were like that with me. My Grandpa had a way of looking at you when he was displeased about something I had done, I knew I was going to be put to work tomorrow, and Grandma had this wooden spoon I felt more than a few times.


But, times were different. All of my Grandparents were born in the 1800's. I knew both of my Great-Grandmothers, one was born in the late 1860's, the other in 1873. Families then lived together, or not far from each other so there was more joint responsibility for raising the young..

I also had the same problem and felt it was me. As another poster had mentioned, kids can detect fear or uncertainty.

Bottom line - I worked at trying to be and think like a kid again and was able to make great strides here. If it's something you want to improve upon this is an area that is without a doubt within your power to do so imo.

I also noticed more satisfaction in life in general. Kids running around aimlessly in a store used to bug the crap out of me. It still does, and it's a whole other issue to discuss (no intention of doing so here), but it doesn't bug me as much as it used to and sometimes I even smile as I see how much fun they are having.

It’s all relative to the decibel level.

Interesting topic.. I always wanted kids, have 2, wish I had a couple more if things had worked out different..

Tulsa hit the nail on the head, if you are uncomfortable around kids, they will know....

As for just being more comfortable around other kids in the family, this is what I would tell you..

Don't try to entertain them.. take a deep breath to relax, clear your head of all expectations of what is going to happen... and let them entertain you... then just go with it.

I've watched more adults put together a toy set, like a garage with cars or something... and then get upset because the toddler doesn't play with it exactly as it's intended.. the kid wants to roll superballs down the ramps or slide the lion from their zoo set through the car wash... LET THEM!!! Just go with it.. you don't have to MAKE kids have fun as much as you just have to LET them have fun... Even if.. no, ESPECIALLY if, you have no idea why it's fun for them, just laugh and have a good time with it.... the more absurd the better.

I dont have a problem being around kids. They glomp onto me and I have a tough time not telling them tall tails. "If you eat your ham it will make you strong like super man." That's too much power for me. To take young minds and run with it.

I have a theory and it may be false, but..............

There are two great evaluators of character:

1. Dogs.

2. Kids.

If you pass the test of those two, you probably are okay.

When my wife and I were married, we wanted to have kids. It wasn't an all-consuming drive, but we thought that when the time was right, when we had a house, established careers, a modicum of financial security ... we thought that then the time would be right. But a couple truisms come to mind: one is "Life happens while you're planning the future.", and the other is "By not deciding, you're making a decision.". As it turned out, due to medical reasons, "when the time was right", it was too late. No real regrets - we had a great life together - but you still think about it sometimes, and what might have been.

That's a pretty fair point IMO

I am glad you asked.

I just love my inner child so much. I can't get enough of him. He makes me smile, and laugh. He says the cutest and silliest things. He can say and do things that most adults just can't say or do. That little bugger is just so darn cute.

Oh, as they get old enough to actually understand lessons I agree. But that's a much better avenue than the day to day job of discipline IMO. I mean you can't let them go around trashing your house and screaming curse words at your neighbors, but. lol




It actually was no different in my household when I was very young. And it wasn't done out of need, it was more a sense of family and they way it had always been done. As you know my entire family is from the south. Many of them moved to the Dayton area for work. They all had union jobs and made a descent living. My dad bought houses too and remodeled them. He bought a total of three

My grandpa bought a house too. He also had a pretty good union job as did my uncle. Yet he rented the house out and lived with us. My uncle, while still pretty young and a little wild, also lived with us.

My grandpa died when I was very young. We were very close and I pretty much worshiped the ground he walked on. That's the thing I've found about being a grandpa. For the most part, your grandkids will listen to you much quicker than they'll listen to their parents. I don't know why that is but I believe they see us as giving advice far more than trying to tell them what to do all the time like a parent does.

Try joining the big brother program... Just might be two people who get taught good lessons and learns from each other..


Too many kids born into a screwed up life...The world is over populated..Doesn't seem like there will be much of a future for the kids being born now..

So I guess the best thing to do is be as kind to them as they are to you..You was a kid once Lamp.

I've always been so-so with kids. Now that I have my own I'd say I'm still so-so... :-p

Kids can definitely smell fear/anxiety. Letting them entertain you, letting them talk and you just following along in the conversation. That works well for me, same as the other posters.

I think there was a time (up until not long ago) that not having kids was generally viewed as selfish. I really don't think that's the overall viewpoint anymore. More and more people are choosing to have kids for any number of reasons, and I think people respect that, if nothing else, because so many kids are born into situations that aren't fair to the kid (baby saving the relationship, parents not ready, parents not willing, etc). IMO, if you're having any sort of reservation about having a kid, then you probably shouldn't do it. Sure, there are plenty of people like that who have kids and do great, but I see it as too big a risk to the child to potentially be in one of those bad situations.

So... no, you're not being selfish when you say you don't want to have kids. As for being around kids, I do think everyone should have some sort of basic ability to be nice to kids. I just feel like it's one of those things that, even though you really don't have to do it, being nice to a kid, making a kid laugh, etc is just something that adds up to making the world a better place. I don't know where I got that idea, just something that I've always felt (I also just checked on my son, and he's cute when he's sleeping).

.

When I make a post in the wrong thread, in the wrong forum...

I went from being a father figure to 1, to 6 and now 13 grandkids.

You do what is right and love them all. But it can be a challenge as I do not see everything daily.

This is the man right here.

And no you are not being selfish Lamp.You are being honest. I think a lot of people have kids for selfish reasons; to try and save a marriage, vicariously fix their mistakes, or somehow become immortalized through the continuation of their last name. Darn the person, they'll renew my failing marriage, accomplish every sports dream I had at the age of eight, and even my grandkids to the umpteenth generation will know me as THE patriarch of their family.

You got nothing to feel bad about Lamp. With Kids the real thing is just being there for them and building a relationship with respect. As the adult you have to give respect first but in turn demand it back. They don't have to like you or like doing the same things you do. Share what you enjoy and if they don't like it then oh well. Move along. When all else fails Pizza, ice cream, and movies can get through to just about any kid if you let them help pick it out =)

As a side note it's impossible to know if you would like having kids till you have them. It's just different when they are your kids vs someone else's kids. My kids I want in my sight 24/7 like a loonie but other people's kids I'm happy to see gone after aa few hours which is why most playdates last that long.

Either way you know yourselves better than anyone else so trust your own heart be happy with your choices =)

This is the truth.

I was always awkwards towards little kids, babies, and toddlers when I was growing up. I just didn't have that instinct for them and I was always embarrassed to act goofy around them to get them to laugh, like all the adults were looking at me and judging me when I would try to play with the kids.

I thought I'd never have that connection with the kids like my dad had with them, and with me...

And then I knocked up my girlfriend, and three kids later it that instinct to be goofy with them has kicked into full gear. It comes naturally now.

So I would say this to anyone who says they're uncomfortable around kids, it's probably just because you're not used to it. But that's another thing from not wanting to have kids. I think most people have a good sense of whether or not they want kids or not, and you have to be true to that.

I agree. I would never guilt or shame anybody for deciding they didn't want to have kids..

By the same token I would hate for somebody to miss out on the total joy it can bring just because they were a little uncomfortable or scared.... because in the vast majority of people that goes away quickly once you have your own... Heck, I always wanted kids but when it happened, I was scared to death.

Last sentence..........'scared to death'. Yeah. For the first one. I was 19. Had great examples of parenting from MY parents - but man, when you're on your own parenting, it can be a daunting task.

The really great thing? You learn, quickly. What does this cry mean? What does that cry mean? And believe it or not, in MY experience, the baby learns also - and before you know it, you're a 'pro'. (provided, of course, you are committed to being a parent).

Many sacrifices - time wise, money wise. But for me, there just hasn't ever been anything quite as good as being a dad. AND, watching your kids grow, mature, learn, do well.

There's fear, apprehension, the 'what if he/she tries this and fails', And there's the unbelievable feeling of "you did it son, proud of you', or 'you're doing it Sooga, proud of you."

I'm a bit different with my daughter. I'm not sure if it's because she's a girl, or if it's because she's my baby. Maybe a combination.

All I can do raising her, is my best. All she can do - be it in school, etc, is her best. I did ok with my son. So far, same with my daughter.